170819 – i was screaming

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i was screaming

before i realized it was at myself

trying to show the way i hear the world

angry voices yelling over each other

a million lies for every truth

frustrated and alone even when together

denying the connections that define our tiny nature

a miracle of temperature, physics and biology

seeking the miracle of the knowledge of our existence

defining our spaces

defining ourselves

illusions heaped on illusions

delusions fed by delusions

seeking the patterns to put us in our places

but there are none

and faced with the horrible realization of that

i was screaming

before i realized i was screaming at myself.

170814 – droning music playing 

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i was 15 when i got my first real job.

and i remember a co-worker whose company i enjoyed telling me out of the blue one day, ‘jesus, you are way too young to be this sarcastic about absolutely everything.’

for a long time, i saw my sarcasm and misanthropy as a virtue.

but you know what?

it is so tiring.

another friend of mine once gave me a book called ‘pierre, who didn’t care’, perhaps because they saw who i had become.

so while i scoff when i see your social media posts about ***** or ***** **** or even *** ********* ** **, you have to know that i am trying.

this is where the music comes in.

is it weird that some of the most humbling communicating/connection experiences i’ve had in my life revolved around music?  not only that, but music that droned or grooved or moved in a way contrary to what might be considered popular?

i remember standing in a room full of people as a musician i had long admired and tears ran down my face because i could not comprehend the beauty of what he seemed to be spontaneously creating in front of me and feeling humbled and knowing the crushing reality of how infintessimal i was in the concept that is the universe.

i remember playing music as a group of hippies danced in front of me, and for once, i didn’t give a shit about how much i hate hippies.

i guess the point is that there are things that are important and things that aren’t.

the drone of music isn’t one of the unimportant things.

just because it connects us.

and makes a misanthrope feel like he could care.

like pierre.

170811 – exploding silver dreams

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with all of the projects i have on the go, i tend to hop around instrumentally quite a bit. some days it’s all keyboards, sometimes it’s a mix of keyboards and guitars. or guitar on its own. other times it’s bass. or bass synth. or bass synths with keyboards. and just to get complicated, let’s throw in baritone.

you get the picture.

the point is what am i chasing?

exploding silver dreams.

‘well,’ you say, ‘clearly the acid got to this fellow cause now he’s going on about exploding silver dreams.’

not so.

if i were looking for something as simple as putting all the notes in the right order, i could strap on my guitar and get out there and join a journey cover band.

(just kidding. i reaaaaallly hate journey. not as much as bon jovi, but they are a close second.)

but im not looking to do that.

i’m chasing something. something i cannot explain.

transcendent moments where sound transforms me.
transforms the spaces we occupy.
transforms minds.

and since i don’t know what to call it, i call it exploding silver dreams.

now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to get out my wire snippers and do some restringing on my 6 string electric oscillation machine.

(that’s a fancy way of saying ‘guitar’.)